I will admit it.  I have “a list”.  I have fine tuned it, edited it, changed it, updated it, deleted from it and added to it.   Come on…admit it.  You have one too (or had).    This is the list that defines the guy (or gal) that is “perfect for you”.   Not just perfect…but perfect for you.

After all these years of being a single girl, I would say that my list is pretty fine tuned by now.  It has its “would be nice” column, its “must have” column, and of course the “deal breaker”  column.    If this seems very superficial to you, I do not apologize.    I have gotten to know myself very well over the years, and have learned to recognize what works and what doesn’t.

I figured that I had this list thing down pat.  But, I was wrong    What a surprise to me, then, to hear the words spoken by Sandra Bullock during her acceptance speech at the Golden Globe awards show.   She thanked her husband,  saying that “I never knew what it felt like to have someone have my back”.

To put it in just this way, with just these words, really caught my attention.  Of course, one of the line items on my list is “supports my goals”, but to hear it expressed in this way was like hearing a beautiful verse in a song. I don’t think I ever really understood exactly what this meant.

What would that be like, I wondered?  Someone who truly had your back.  Not just lip service, not just when it was convenient for them, not just when it also served their purposes.   It is time to edit my list again.

The holiday buying season kicked into full gear on Black Friday.   Discounts!   Savings!  Cyber Monday!  Buy one get the second at 50% off!  Open at 4 a.m.!   The buying frenzy has begun.

It appears that the savings even applies to Love!  You all know that I have tried my hand at online dating.  Unsuccessfully, I might add.  I found it artificial, annoying, not always honest, off the mark…..  When I realized that I was uninterested and bored, I knew it was time to hit the  “Cancel” button.

The cancellation happened months ago, however, I keep getting the marketing emails.  The online dating sites really want my business.  No, really!   I must be some hot property for them to be so insistent that I rejoin.  I keep getting the marketing emails, the “he winked at you” emails, the “you’ve been chosen” emails, the “you must rejoin to see who is looking at you” emails.   Sorry, not buying it.

Todays email really cracked me up!   The subject line:

Love Is On Sale!  Save 25% off!

Wow!  I can’t believe this!   I can find the love of my life for 25% off!   How can I possibly turn this down?  Where do I sign??   Wait…hold on….I need to rethink this.  I can see it now…

Honey, I really don’t expect as much from you because I didn’t pay full price!

I woke up this morning with a vague recollection that I had coughed all night.  I soon realized that I had lost my voice.   Ugh… For those of you who know me well, you realize that this is a tragedy for me!  What’s a girl to do?

I also realized that I have a dinner date scheduled this afternoon with an old friend.  You all remember my Life Plan Coach, from previous posts?   Today it was time for me to check in and report my progress.  He always kicks me in the butt about not putting myself out there.   My theory is that losing my voice is the universe telling me that today is a day that I need to just keep my mouth shut!  I will take this to heart.

Instead, I decided to repost a blog that you might have first seen over at The Daily Blonde. She allowed me to share my story on her blog last May.   I was telling this story to a friend yesterday, so thought I would share it again with you.   Enjoy your day, I’m heading for some tea with honey.

It was several years ago….and one of the dates that led me to step away from on-line dating for a while! I connected with a man through match.com. His photo presented him as being a good looking man with a nice looking cowboy hat on (yes, I love me a cowboy).   His bio told me that he was widowed, had a daughter, and really loved his job.

One Saturday morning I get a message from him.  He would like to take me to breakfast.   Sure, sounds like a great first day, easy, casual, low pressure.   I messaged him back to find out where we would be meeting.

Plans were set and I arrived at the appointed restaurant on time. As I was walking towards the front door, I noticed a beat up old pick-up truck in the parking lot. Now I know a heavy use ranch truck when I see one.  There was no mistaking it.  I knew that this would be his vehicle.  Note to self:  working cowboy.

My date greets me at the door.  The fine ‘gentleman’ was actually 15 – 20 years older than his picture…was 50 lbs heavier… and wore the same cowboy hat (now beaten into submission). I took a deep breathe as the hostess escorted us to our table. As we were seated, my instinct told me that I would let him do all the talking.  I was curious to know about him.  My brain was screaming out “Don’t share anything about yourself with him!”

It turned out that this was the perfect strategy. Through my fact finding mission I discovered…he had been married four times. He shook his head as he explained to me that he couldn’t understand why one of his wives had packed up and left him one day while he was at work…and moved to Tennessee without a single word to him. He still didn’t understand what happened, as he has never spoken with her again. And that job that his bio told that he loved…he was actually unemployed. I’m thinking, “Yep, I’d love that too!”

He then shared with me that his last marriage ended in his wife’s death.  He was a widower. My gut was telling me that there was really no need to express sympathy.  He continued on to tell me how proud of his daughter he was.  She is a pre-teen and he was just so proud of her for not missing a single day of school from grief.  Hmm…really?  Is that a good thing?

“When did your wife pass away”, I asked.   “About six weeks ago”, was the answer that seemed to float weightlessly through the air and across the table. settling deeply into my brain.

Needless to say this was the fastest I had ever eaten a breakfast.  Somehow I choked out the statement that I needed to go, as I had some very important errands that needed attending to. I tried not to break out into a full run as I high tailed it to the closest exit….after letting him pay the tab, of course!

As I reached my car he shouts out to me “I’d love to get together with you again”. As I unlocked my car, I waved back over my shoulder, saying “Sure, sounds good”, and quickly hopped in my car slamming the door firmly shut.   As I pulled out of the parking lot I took a quick peek into my rear view mirror.  Just as I suspected, he hopped into the authentic ranch pickup truck.

With the firm recognition that my picker was still massively broken, I abandoned on-line dating. What possesses me to step back into that arena now…..perhaps I need to reevaluate my motivation!  My brother tells me that this is all just PRACTICE.  I think it is just great story material for my blog!

Has dating evolved since the 1980’s?  Recent evidence indicates…well…you decide.

Heavy sigh!

From my experience, I’m not so sure it has.  I think only the hair style and fashion is different.  Thanks to  Brett Nordquist for sharing this video with me!

As I was taking time to read some of my favorite blogs today, I ran across this post from MsSingleMama, musings on dating, life, love and motherhood. She compares dating to shoe shopping.

“What if she stood up and walked around that bar or that coffee shop and pretended like she was shopping for a pair of shoes? She would mix, she would mingle and she would perhaps try on her favorite man to see if he fits. If not she would move on.”

This is a great read and I could not have said it better. I am going to try this the next time I am in a crowd and am tempted to just stand back and observe. Shopping anyone??

Dating. Ughh! We hate it. We love it. We talk about it over wine with our best girl friends. We look forward to the next one. We chase Love.

I have often taken flack from my girlfriends for being so, so picky when it comes to dating. He isn’t tall enough. He didn’t have any sense of humor. He was dull. His kids are too young. He’s never been married. He’s been married too many times. I always have an excuse. “Lighten up, Barb”, they say to me. “You shouldn’t be so picky.”

My response…”Why shouldn’t I be picky? Why am I expected to settle for good enough?” If there is anything that I have learned in my life, it is what I will accept and what are deal breakers. Life certainly teaches us many lessons and I believe that I have learned mine well. I have learned that my thoughts are valid ones. I have learned that my feelings matter. I have learned that I don’t have to second guess why I feel the way that I do. I have learned that I have the right to be myself and not change for the sake of another.

These are lessons that I will not let go of. How many times have you been in a conversation where the words you hear are “All the signs were there. I just didn’t see them for what they were. ” I believe that this is one of our flaws as women. We accept. We rationalize. We justify. We apologize on their behalf. We understand. All for the sake of a relationship.

Guess what? I will not be playing that game. I am holding out for my Mr. Perfect. He will not be perfect, but he will be perfect for me. There have been many times when others have talked me into “lightening up”, and I have always been right in the first place. My gut, my intuition, my sixth sense, has never let me down. The greatest lesson I have learned is to trust my own instincts. Am I willing to wait? Yes. I’m o.k. with being single. Am I willing to continue sorting and eliminating men if something doesn’t feel right? You bet! I will be following my own instincts. No excuses. No justifications. No apologies. I’m okay with being picky!

With this in mind, I took an interest in a book written by Elizabeth Fournier, All Men are Cremated Equal: My 77 Blind Dates. When I learned of this book, I immediately ordered my copy from Amazon.com. I can’t wait to read it. What lessons could possibly have been learned during 77 blind dates? This I gotta read! Another key lesson that I have learned is that you have to listen to your girlfriends, and learn from their adventures too. In reading the reviews, Elizabeth broke off an engagement that just didn’t feel right. You must applaud this! She then embarks on 77 blind dates. I can’t wait to learn from Elizabeth! Elizabeth is currently on a blog tour, so check it out. You will be hearing more about Elizabeth here on this blog, so stay tuned!

In the meantime…join me as I continue my picky ways, continue following my instincts, and someday…following my heart.

Calling all Single Girls….We are having a party! Let’s have some fun together…and then let’s talk!

We have all experienced these conversations, these moments, the eye brow twisting thoughts that go something like this.… “Why didn’t he call?” “He called, but it was 2 a.m.” “He said he had fun, but didn’t ask me out again……” and on…and on…and on.

The movie He’s Just Not That Into You takes a humorous look at these questions, and more! Yes, these are the questions that women have been muttering to themselves, and to their BFF’s, since the beginning of womanhood.

The Daily Blonde and I are inviting you to join us for a National Girls Night Out. We are calling on all Single Gals to grab your best girlfriend, your mom, your daughter, your aunt, your neice….and let’s all go to the movies! National Girls Night Out will be on Saturday, February 14. Yes, ladies, that is Valentine’s Day. No date? No problem. Single Girls unite for the best date night ever!!

But wait…there’s more! This event doesn’t end there! Wait for it….Wait for it….. On Monday, February 16, join us for a Twitter Party from 6 p.m. to 8 p.m. Pacific time. (hashtag: #NotIntoYou) We will be sharing our favorite scenes, laughing at the part where we elbowed our girlfriend and said “That is sooo me!” and confess that we gave our Mom that look that says, “I do NOT do that”, but admit during our Twitter Party that you really do! Come on girls, you can tell us! The truth is safe with us! (Follow me on Twitter at @barbjacobucci. You can find my partner in crime at @thedailyblonde. Go ahead and follow us. It is like ripping off a bandaid…it only stings for a minute!)

Now, how can we have a Twitter Party without prizes? You are right! You can’t! Join in the fun and win some fabulous prizes! We will be giving away some fabulous prizes, including:

–The book by Charles Orlando, The Problem with Women…Is Men (see a previous post with my book review. This is a rockin’ book!)
–Downloads of the book by Annette Fix, The Break-up Diet. (I can’t wait to read this book. The Daily Blonde tells me that she loved this book!)
–The book Y.U.M. Your Ultimate Male
–A gorgeous necklace by Andria’s Serendipity Unique Sea Glass Creations

…AND MORE! Check back for more prizes as they are announced!

You simply CANNOT miss out on all the fun and the great prizes! You know…this just isn’t enough. You deserve more. Tell you what….if you post a blog about our He’s Just Not That Into You – National Girls Night Out, we will enter your name into a drawing for a PRIZE PACK! This is going to be an awesome collection of prizes, just for you! To qualify for entry into the drawing for the amazing Prize Pack, simply publish your blog and Email the link to your blog to The Daily Blonde at greeneyedgirl563@gmail.com. We must receive your email by Friday, February 13. It is that simple….you will then be entered into the drawing for the Prize Pack. Have I mentioned that you could win a Prize Pack??

Stop by our Group Facebook page and say hi. Let us know that you will be joining us on Monday night!

Disclaimer: While our shout-out is to all single gals…this event is not exclusive. Are you dating? Are you married? Are you a man? Have no fear…you are welcome to join us as well. Do you already have a date on Valentine’s Day? Go see the movie any time during the weekend, and then join us for our Twitter Party on Monday night. We can’t wait to join you and have a little…o.k. a lot…of fun! See you there!

I follow the blog Ms. Single Mama. She offers up musings on dating, life, love and motherhood. I always find interesting thoughts and conversations here. This weekend I saw a tweet (on Twitter.com of course) where @mssinglemama pointed us to her blog post that asks for thoughts on: The Man I Should Have Married. She is asking her readers to tell their stories about the man we let go…and shouldn’t have.

I will only say this once. I am watching The Bachelor. It is not something that I am proud of, but it is a fact none the less! Typically I find myself tuning in to the series when it is down to the final episodes. For some reason, which is yet to be explained, I have started watching this year from the season opener. Could it be because the dashing bachelor is a resident of my city? Could it be because this bachelor was humiliated the last season by being allowed to propose to our beautiful bachelorette, only to be rejected? Could it be because I had recently heard that this same bachelorette broke up with the man of her choice (and the teasers tell us that she will be back this season)? So much for happily ever after!

So, tonight, I will curl up on my cozy sofa. The blinds will all be pulled closed, the sound will be turned down on the television, and I will tune in to watch our bachelor. Why do I do this?

Why do these girls do this? I usually find myself shaking my head as I watch these girls swoon, smile and strut their stuff in an effort to get one man’s attention. Do we really become so desperate for love that we will expose ourselves in the most public way possible? In listening to the banter from the ladies the common theme is that “I felt such a connection when we met. I am the perfect girl for him!” REALLY? All of you? You know this already? What happened to getting to know someone? What happened to discovering whether there was an intellectual, emotional, spiritual, and personal connection?

Have things really changed this much during my ten year emotional hiatus? This makes coming out of my cocoon a little more terrifying. Are we expected to now jump into situations for seemingly superficial reasons? Perhaps I am being naive and it has been this way since the beginning of time, and I just haven’t been paying attention. This journey that I am on will either be really scary or extremely exciting! Stay tuned!

“Twitter, Facebook and blogging are just ridiculous!” How many of you have heard that?? Who has been told that spending time with online networks or social media are time wasters? If you know what I am talking about, then you will also have heard “you are hiding behind the computer”. Here’s another one… “online interaction doesn’t connect you with real people”.

While I can agree that there should be a balance in the level of involvement and that it is possible to become obsessed (dare I say addicted) to online social networks, I also see the human side. This was demonstrated to me over the holiday weekend.

An online friend (someone that I have never met in person), shares the ups and downs of her daily life in her blog and on her twitter stream. (I am not divulging her identity here as I haven’t asked for permission.) I have really enjoyed following her life, as she writes with humor, with a directness to be admired, with honesty and with a sincerity that she doesn’t have all the answers. There have been many times when reading her blog posts have made me feel like I am enjoying a great conversation with a girlfriend while sharing a glass of wine.

The last few months have taken us on the wonderful adventure with her as she builds a loving relationship with the man of her dreams. It was with shock, then, that we read with sadness that the relationship had quickly and very ubruptly come to an end. We read with horror how her beau called her up on New Years Day and, placing her on speakerphone while he did his laundry, proceeded to explain how (and I am paraphrasing here) she wasn’t good enough for him. Boom! Crash! Done! Wow!

Even though most of her online friends have never met her in person, the outpouring of love and concern was incredible. The “I hope you are o.k.”, “Hang in there!”, “You are wonderful, and deserved better”, comments were flying. There were also the usual comments of disgust against the act commited against her. Yes, the battle cries that your best girlfriend would spit out over that same glass of wine were present!

Watching the drama unfold online really brought home the power of social media. Sure, social media is used by corporations to influence purchasing behavior, and used to keep friends connected to the blow by blow activity of their lives, used to get news as it happens…but this experience took it to a new level of understanding for me. This cuts to the core of friendship when it is needed the most. And that friendship is coming from people she has never met.

We will continue to support our friend as she moves through the mine field of emotions that she will encounter. Did I mention that the ‘gentleman’ has proceeded to call, text and grovel??? While the overwhelming message from her followers is for her to cut and run, this will ultimately be her decision. Whether she stays and fights for love, whether she draws a line in the sand and closes her heart, we will be online cheering her on. You Go Girl!